Easy fixes. Right now I’m going through a storm in my life, one that I’m not quite sure how to deal with. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before, and I don’t like having to face the pain, sadness, grief, hurt, anger, hatred, guilt, and everything else that comes with it. My first instinct was to bury everything deep down, leave it all behind, and just escape from it all. And I almost did that. But I was talked into staying, sorting through things, and deciding with a clear head. I’m glad I’m working through it right now.
Let this be a reminder to myself that “easy” fixes are not the answer. I say “easy” because sometimes the easy fix may be hard to execute, but may be the easiest way out. In risk management, you can respond to risk by accepting, mitigating, avoiding, or transferring it. Sometimes avoiding risk may seem like the best solution. You don’t have to accept or mitigate the risk or do any kind of damage control. You basically nip it in the bud and put it to rest. I’m kind of rambling now and I seem to be talking about something else entirely, but all I’m saying is, I need to be better about dealing with life — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Life is life. It is what it is. Deal with it and keep the faith that everything will be okay however it turns out.
I was sitting here waiting for my plane, when I realized my shoes still had a little sand in them from walking along the beach yesterday. I just wanted to stay there — the light breeze and warm sun felt good on my skin, coaxing all my worries away; the breathtaking ocean view; the rhythmic sound of the waves crashing; the sand in my toes. I didn’t want any of it to end. But now all that’s left is the memory of how I felt, and the sand in my shoes.
In time I will be better about things beyond my control. To me, this is one of the hardest things to give up and surrender to God. I love control. I like being able to manipulate things around me so I get the end result I want. I like making things happen. But I don’t always have the ability to. There are just some things that I can’t change — and that’s a struggle for me. It kills me to be powerless in the face of a crisis or a dream that I want really bad. Instead of accepting that there’s just not much I can do besides pray about it, I spend my energy worrying, crying, trying to find some other way to get around my helplessness, or just doing stupid things that give me the illusion of control. It’s funny. I still think I’m the one doing all the steering. So tonight, I hope that I can step aside (particularly on this one crisis triggering this whole train of thought), let go, and trust that God will take care of it. Wherever you are right now, whatever you are doing, God is holding you in His hands.
Today I leave behind the things that make my heart heavy — past disappointments and mistakes; and shame, guilt, and regret over minuscule failures and huge ones.
Some days when I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see — a 26 year-old failure that has no idea what she is doing and is running around hurting people in the process of figuring it out. Makes me wonder if I should just go be the crazy lady with 40 cats or a cloistered nun in some monastery in Tibet or something.
I find it difficult to forgive myself over certain things. I don’t wish for a do-over because I know those things had to be done. But broken hearts in the wake of my own bad choices (and maybe my inability to see past fleeting emotion) has happened way too many times with me, it seems like. I think that’s why I’m taking things slow this time and just taking my time with things. I pray that my heart stays true, pure, and committed, guarded from toxic crap.
I know all this is part of learning and growing up. I get so stuck in self-flagellation and lose sight of God as my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer. When I look at myself, I don’t want to see broken or failure or damaged goods anymore. I want to see new and restored and faithful. So today I leave behind all the wreckage that has come with my mistakes and bad choices. Today is a new day.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
I was working on my paper and found my mind wandering, thinking about things I need/want. So, I decided to make a list. (Yes, I know some of the things on this list are dorky, but I’m dorky, so it makes sense.)
label maker, pink
12-tab (or 16-tab) binder tabs (three-ring)
computer chair, white
kindle paperwhite cover, pink
network drive/personal cloud storage, 2 TB
PC caddy/stand thingy
P.S. For some reason, I remembered Ephesians 5:22-24. I have always struggled with this. But it makes a little more sense to me now. I think if you are having issues with “submitting” (the use and meaning of this word is a separate conversation entirely) to someone, it points to certain issues: 1) you need to learn some humility, and/or 2) you need to learn to respect the other person.
I am here. This is where I am, and this is where I want to be. I have spent the last several months trying to discern if all this is right. But can you ever really know for sure? Am I doing the right thing, am I being the person I’m meant to be, am I with the person I’m meant to be with, am I where I need to be? So many questions. Sometimes it’s hard to turn all the thinking off and just listen and let the answers come to me. I know I spend so much time obsessing about things that I sometimes let the moment pass me by. But here I am. I may not have all the answers yet, but I am thankful that I am here.
Hi. Alam kong gagamit ka ng tagapagsalin para lang malaman kung anong ibig sabihin nito. Nahihirapan akong magsulat ng purong Filipino kasi ang tagal ko nang hindi nagsasalita nito nang diretso. Paumanhin, alam kong baluktot na Ingles ang kalalabasan ng iyong tagapagsalin. Kawawa ka naman. Tumatawa nang malakas (TNM). Imbentong acronym. (Paumanhin ulit, dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang “acronym” sa Filipino.) Medyo walang katuturan ang mga pinagsusulat ko dito. Pinapahirapan lang kita kasi masarap kang asarin. Magandang araw sa iyo.
Things from church today (I usually write this down so I remember, but I’m not sure where my notebook is, lol):
The kingdom of me must be smaller than the kingdom of God. I must be less so He can be more. Gethsemane, the garden where Jesus prayed the night before His crucifixion, literally means “place of crushing”. This is kind of like the struggle that goes on in our head when our will comes up against God’s, i.e. when He wants us to do something that we don’t feel like doing. The question is, can we fully submit to Him and let our will and desires be crushed, so that His will may be done?
From Matthew 8:20: ”Jesus replied, ‘Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Following Jesus has a cost/price. It will not always be easy or comfortable. If you are not willing to give up what He is asking, check your heart and ask yourself why you want to follow Him.
I haven’t written anything here in a long time. I used to write a lot more in high school and college. Sure, it would always be about profound stuff like boys or grades (since I was so deep when I was younger, lol), but it was probably a lot more interesting that what I write about now. Which seems to mostly revolve around work and random silly incidents. I think I just miss writing about everyday things; it’s a nice break from writing executive summaries and risk assessments.
I’ve also noticed that I’ve shifted away from writing about personal things that involve baring my soul and spilling my guts, haha. I know it’s partly because I don’t want to post anything that could come bite me in the ass some day (like if a potential employer comes across drunk pictures of me or something — not that I have any, but still), partly because my mother probably googles me occasionally, but it’s mostly because I don’t like being exposed and vulnerable.
Isn’t it funny how the older we get, the more we feel that we have to be strong and not show weakness? I think we all get like that sometimes. We get caught up in maintaining appearances, pretending to be strong and acting like nothing is wrong. I know I’m guilty of constantly trying to measure up and be perfect. I keep forgetting that I never will be. And that’s not a bad thing. We don’t need to be perfect and, really, nobody expects us to be. We put so much pressure on ourselves, thinking the more good things we do, the closer we are to perfection (or our idea of it, at least), and the more worthy we are of being loved. But dude, that’s the silly part! God already loves us (and it’s not because of the things we do, but by His grace). I’m not saying it’s fine to do bad things, but seriously, you can take it easy. Don’t try so hard, and just be.
On a completely unrelated note (I know, I’m all over the place here), I can’t believe what happened on Game of Thrones last Sunday. OMG. I mean, I knew it was coming, but omg, omg, OMG! I can’t wait for the season finale on Sunday. Here is a funny clip of George R.R. Martin snickering at audience reactions to *that* scene (videos taken by their awesome friends/family that had read the books and knew what was going to happen):
It’s 1:42 AM and I’m still up. I finally buckled down and seriously worked on my current freelance writing project tonight. (Which is good, since I have about 40 pages due on Friday.) I feel somewhat proud of myself for not waiting until the very last day, but still I know I could have managed my time a lot better. I’m probably about halfway done so I’ll need to pull another late nighter tomorrow and use my half-day on Friday to finish it. Not looking forward to the next couple of days but after this one, no more writing projects on the side since class starts next week.
So, I’m totally ready for bed but my sheets are in the dryer. Thought I’d take a few minutes to write random crap since I haven’t written on here in a while.
Recent things of note — I got promoted! Kind of. I switched to a different position in my department. We are calling it a promotion because it pays better, but it’s really more a lateral shift. I’m a little worried though because someone told me he didn’t think I had enough work to do. But so far, it hasn’t been like that at all. Oh, and our new girl replacing me started Monday, and I think she’s great.
The Color Me Rad 5k run that Elise, Gen, Rex, and I did last Saturday was awesome. It’s basically a fun run where they get you with colored corn starch. You start off in clean white clothes and cross the finish line all rainbowey. It was non-competitive and we weren’t timed or anything; Elise and I walked about half of it, lol. I’m definitely doing it again next year. :) (I finally got to cross it off the ol’ bucket list. Yay, me!)
Upcoming — Palo Alto/San Francisco trip! End of the month! I’m finally going to see Iya and Maris after what, four years?! It’ll be super fun! Can’t wait. :)
I love Saturday mornings. Knowing that you have a full weekend ahead is nice. I have nothing to do this weekend, which is good so I can take it easy before school starts on the 14th. (My new professor already gave us things to do though — but I already did them this morning. I’m trying to be more responsible about school. See NYR #3.)
In other news, the first work week of 2013 was pretty productive for me. We are getting ready to roll out a new enterprise process, and we are launching on the 15th. Things are getting a little crazy because there’s still a lot of loose ends, but we’re getting there. Whenever I’m writing a procedure, it always feels great when I’m typing the last few words, or formatting the last table or whatever. It’s like spending hours shopping for the perfect present, painstakingly wrapping it, and finally tying the bow with a flourish. :)
So much has happened since I last wrote here that I’m not sure where to start.
…So I don’t think I will. Not this time. I’m okay though. Still alive and kicking. :)
Some of the biggest things I’ve learned from all this:
It’s not fair to count on a single person to provide for your every need. You will not get everything from one human being alone, no matter how hard you try to force it and no matter how hard he/she tries. It’s not fair to the other person, and resentment will eventually start eating at you.
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean things will automatically work out. It takes work. It takes two. (I know this is a totally duh statement, but seriously, I really thought as long as two people loved each other, the ending would always be happy. Obviously, I did not pay attention to Romeo and Juliet. I blame Disney.)
Don’t rush into things just because “it feels right.” The heart isn’t always the best thing to base decisions on, unless whatever is in there runs pure and true. Take your time. Don’t choose things or people just because they are part of the plan, or because you want things to work out with them so badly.
Edit: And for dudes — please don’t ever stop showing the girl you love that you love her, even after you get her. Don’t get complacent. Just because she’s agreed to spend the rest of her life with you, doesn’t mean you can just get lazy. (This goes for girls too, but mostly guys I think, lol.)
I’m super excited about buying a house! There’s a long road ahead of us (we haven’t even talked to a lender yet), and we haven’t even really officially started yet, but omg, so exciting! Haha! :)
Jay and I are leaning towards new construction right now, but who knows, we might change our minds again somewhere down the road, lol. I started emailing the builders that made our [my] shortlist (based on consumer reviews, certification, etc.) to ask about floor plan modifications and stuff. It’s hard because we need a 4 bed + study at least, and most of the plans I see are just 3-bed ones. I’m trying to set up showings for next weekend; I have all kinds of questions to ask the builders. We don’t have a realtor yet at this point, so I’ve started doing some research on that as well.
We’re not moving until March of next year, but I’m sure there’s no harm in starting the process early. :)
…Since that’s about how frequently I post anything here, it seems.
Nothing much going on, really. This weekend was fun — Jay had his best friend Tracy come visit for the weekend, so we hung out and stuff. Last night we saw this indie horror flick called Silent House, which interestingly enough, stars Elizabeth Olsen (younger sister of the Olsen twins). I thought the movie was cool — made me scream a few times, which to me is a pretty decent measure of good scary movies.
I spent the first half of the day looking at houses and builders. I updated our home buying binder with builder information and house listings. I’m getting excited about home buying again, since Jay and I went to a home buyer education workshop yesterday. It was really informative since we had different speakers, i.e. mortgage account executive, home inspector, title company, realtor, etc. Definitely learned a lot.
But yeah, that’s really all that’s going on. I am feeling weird about work since my only co-underling reporting to my boss quit about two weeks ago. I hope we get a replacement soon. Also, I really need to find my motivation at work again. I mean, I get everything done, and still do it well (at least I’d like to think so), but I feel…blah inside. Like, same old stuff, not really exciting anymore. Just in a funk I guess. Hope it blows over soon.
Starting graduate school in the fall, so that’s something to look forward to, at least. :)
P.S. I read Fifty Shades of Grey after my co-worker recommended it to me. It had me hooked, and was definitely a guilty pleasure. But all in all, it was addicting, but stupid. First book was fun, second and third were painful. Seriously, how many times can you say, "Don’t bite your lip, I want to do that," or “You’re biting your lip again, you know what that does to me,” or some other variation, before it stops being sexy?
Well, we got back from our vacation yesterday. The wedding was really nice — understated and meaningful. It was nice to be around friends and family both from the US and from back home. I still can’t believe my Mom is now married again! And I have a stepsister! Finally! Haha. :)
And the other big piece of news is…I got accepted to Kent State University! I am now officially a graduate student! I emailed my adviser yesterday asking about which course/s to take, and I’ve already registered. I’m only taking one class in the fall. Don’t want to over-commit.
Now I just need to cough up the cash to pay for it, lol.
Kent State University requires at least a 71 out of 120. Their Information Architecture and Knowledge Management program requires a score of at least 100. As a point of reference, Harvard Business School discourages applicants with a score below 109 from applying for a spot in their MBA program.
So, guess what I got? Let’s just say I got well over 109. AMDG :)
Jay and I have resolved to do the P90X program in June, after we get back from our Seattle trip. To get ready for it, we did the fit test the other day. (I failed some parts, like the pull-ups, lol. I can’t do a single one. Haha.) We also had to take before pictures, so we can compare them to our toned selves after the program. One other thing we still have to do is get rid of the junk around the house (including cookies and candy, noooo). But instead of throwing them out, I think we’re just going to eat them, lol. Hey, that’s one way to get rid of them, right? :))
I seriously need to go to the beach. It’s summer in the Philippines, so all my friends are posting beach pictures and it’s making me so jealous. I can’t remember the last time I hit the beach — probably two, three years ago.